My fellow Americans*:
At a time when our nation is embroiled in a massive financial crisis, fighting a two front war on a relentless and passionate enemy, while prices for fuel and basic commodities spiral out of control, two major candidates are vying for your vote. Both of these men have established records, and each one claims that he is the man to bring about the “change” that our system needs.
Fie, I say. A vote for either of my opponents is a vote to maintain the status quo in the United States, to preserve the system of partisan politics and mindless bickering that has too long mired our nation and caused our economy to slowly stagnate. I say that “Real Change” is needed, and I am the man to bring about that “Real Change”. Now, I see you staring back at me with a blank expression and vacant eyes. While you may look like you’re retarded, I can see a spark in those eyes – the spark of Hope that I, Ahab, will bring about the Real Change, and a turn away from partisan politics.
But you must be wondering how can I accomplish such a thing? How can I, one man, change Washington and America from our current bureaucratic nightmare into the true utopia that it was meant by God and John Wayne to be? Well, my fellow Americans, the plan is simple and three fold:
1. Vote for me – this way everything I do after you elect me is totally legal
2. A really big claw hammer.
3. Change
With my hammer, I will literally <i>beat within an inch of their lives</i> every elected politician in this nation, until I can no longer lift my arms at the slightest hint that they may be proposing some kind of dumbassed legislation that would interfere with your Allah given right to do as you damn well please provided it harms no one.
At the same time, I will appoint a new Cabinet level position in my administration: The Department of Whoopings. The Secretary of Whoopings will be carefully chosen from a pool of notorious ass kickers – this man or woman will have the sole job of traveling the country and beating the stupid out of people.
America – I am tired of the partisan bickering. I grow weary of the constant babble coming from Washington. It’s time for Really Violent Change – Change with a claw hammer. Vote for Ahab – vote for a New, more Awesome America.
Good night, and may the Ghost of John Wayne bless you.
Edit: Updated with Robb’s awesome logo.
That’s a good plan, except I would suggest a baseball bat, since that’s more of an American symbol.
I think i can take on that new cabinet position. I have a claw hammer already I just need a desk and some legally bashable heads…
I had me until I saw that pussy ass hammer. Nothing less than a 21 oz framing hammer gets my vote.
http://www.homedepot.ca/wcsstore/HomeDepotCanada/images/catalog/10300_4.jpg
Just about any Vaughan framing hammer will do. That will get my vote.
How about this goddamn thing?
You may lose my vote if your hammer is one of those synthetic handled ones. How unpatriotic! It should be one of those nice American Hickory handles. Wood and steel baby! Next you’ll be saying that Glocks are better than 1911s, and hunting rifles should have fiberglass stocks. Disgusting.
(Actually, the fubar is steel all the way through with rubber grips, so that’s ok I guess.)
Dude, you got my vote
Chuck Norris for Secretary of Whoopings. That is all.
Before I vote I need to be re-assured that no elephants and donkeys will be harmed during your campaign. They are a endangered species you know!
Awesome! You got my vote!
May I suggest a 8 lb, double face, cast iron, sledge hammer with a hickory wood handle for durability.
BTW, I want a job in the Department of Whoopings as a Whooper At Large.
I got my own shovel!
I’m in the UK and even I know damn fine it should be the Estwing Nylon E3-20. No wonder your country is going to the dogs.
Over here the boys are generally becoming taken by the idea of stocking up on piano wire and taking careful note of the locations of all strongly constructed lampposts… they need decorating…
This article just proves how good of a leader Ahab would be.
http://www.physorg.com/news141468609.html
Tempting… but I just don’t think you’re violent enough for the job.
Uh, count me in.
I may have to run against you on the Arizona Rifleman / Crowbar ticket.
The fact that I share the same profession as another crowbard-wielding fellow may lend some credibility to my campaign.
That, and crowbars are quite a bit more effective at whoopings than hammers. :)
I use a nice, four-pound hand-sledge with a 24-inch handle (hickory, I think) big enough for the job, certainly, and yet manageable enough for one hand, should the situation dictate. Nice splatter, too.
24 Oz. Estwing Checker face framing hammer. It sure leaves a mark.
That’s totally awesome!! You’ve got my vote!
“It’s time for Really Violent Change. Change with a claw-hammer.”
I nearly woke up my kid laughing at that. That’s some funny right there.
You got my vote!
tweaker